I'm going to share another vulnerable thought. Because, I feel it's necessary and I know I have a problem. A very temporary problem, that I believe others deal with on a day to day basis.
I struggle with my sense of belonging. I struggle with my identity. As self-aware as I may seem, I struggle. Every. Single. Day. Today, this evening... it hit me harder than ever.
After my cousin, Reese passed, I began having therapy sessions to help me with coping and learning how to break the unhealthy habits I had of dealing with tough situations over my entire life. I found that I have a tendency to adapt my behavior to accommodate the people who are around me. It's not that I'm two-faced or fake, but to be accepted amongst various groups of people in different situations I allowed my personality strengths and attributes to shift as I saw as environmentally appropriate to feel adequate. This trait allowed me to connect with people everywhere! Make "friends," connections and get to know so many people world-wide. It's great to be able to make all these connections, but it was very rare that I made worthwhile connections and really could call someone friend. Honestly, there are probably 5 people who I can legitimately call my friends. Don't get me wrong.. there are a lot of people that I just absolutely love, but these people actually know very deep intimate things about me and are probably going to be my life-long friends. Although I have these 5 people... I still find myself in lonely places, because these people have their own friends and circles.
With that being said, it wasn't until recently that I really recognized that I don't have a circle, exactly and had been allowed the entrance into an already intact one. And OMG, they're great, I love them!!! But being that I'm not living where they are...I'm still kind of in the place I started. Outside the circle. Alone. Wandering. Trying to figure my life out.
So, today... I found myself back in this place of wondering if I belong. Because of my therapy sessions, I was able to recognize my shift. My drawback. My observance of behavior, trying to figure out where I actually fit... And it was the most uncomfortable thing I'd never experienced before. I was surrounded by people that care about me, and I them and for some reason, I felt inadequate, unacceptable and I had no reason to. I got mad, because I KNOW that I'm adequate. I KNOW that I am acceptable, but the truth is, although I know these things it's another thing to FEEL that way. I saw what my habit was trying to make me do and I realized that this place I was in, I did at home with my family, I do it with my friends, I do it at school and nobody recognizes it but me. I have no reason to feel inadequate. I am loved and I am supported. I have no need to "try" and fit in because I am loved for me. That cool, spunky little person just loves being the dash of color in the world.
Truth is as humans we create this structure for ourselves to fit so the world can be comfortable..and then expect people to try and discover us for who we are, and it's backwards. Stop trying to fit in. Stop trying to appear to be something that is appropriate or adequate. It's harmful to who you actually are.
I don't have it all together. I'm still trying to figure me out. At 23, I should be, but I said allllll of this to say, if you're struggling with your identity, finding your place in the world, struggling to find your sense of belonging...understand YOU ARE ADEQUATE. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. There's probably someone out there that feels the same way. It's okay to stand out. It just means you're OUTSTANDING and there's nothing wrong with that.
Be who you are intended to be.
You are adequate.
You are enough.
You are beautiful.
You are outstanding.
Believe it. Make sure you feel it.
Don't you ever forget this, and when you stumble... remember you're not alone.