Have you ever felt like you were stuck inside yourself? In a way your bones became a prison; you’re hidden behind a being that you don’t even recognize in your reflection? Have you ever felt confined within the walls your insecurities and battle wounds built? Do you ever feel forced to fit into the world surrounding you; making you feel so small that at any moment your life will come collapsing down on you because the façade was never meant to sustain with the foundation it was built upon?
I certainly have. In different ways and on more than one occasion.
As I come into my 26th year of life, I find it is super important to be reflective of the things that have brought me to this place. Thus far, 2018 has been an amazing year. Particularly after living my best and worst life all throughout 2017. Last year was a real struggle, even though I made 25 everything I needed it to be. I did what I wanted, I created, I traveled, I loved and was loved; I broke barriers and limits effortlessly. Watching that chapter unfold has been a miraculous journey I couldn't be more proud of. And I'm ready to see what else is in store.
In an effort to be introspective and reflect on what has brought me here as a blooming 26 year old woman, I decided to get back into this blogging thing, today, sharing an open letter to who I've been, who I am, and who I am going to be. I hope these words resonate and inspire you to maybe do the same.
Deciding that I didn't have decide was the hardest conclusion to come to around the subject of who I was going to allow my creativity to make of me.
So a little while ago I was at work; thinking. Letting my mind wander across things that had nothing to do with my job or whatever task I was supposed to be doing at the time. When all of a sudden a vibe hit me. I began to reminisce on the ways that I got over different situations and how I was able to be in this place where now I don't settle for being anybody’s tool, b****, or halfway lover, let alone their secret. You either love me or you don’t; you’re either with me or you’re not. The you may not like me, but you’re gonna respect me… I don't play that in between and I don't make room for gray areas in that kind of thing anymore. Keeps me from playing tricks on my heart, you know?
Anyway, as I was thinking - the imagery that flooded my brain brought me to the time I fainted at a SZA concert. That feeling... (The one before I regained consciousness and embarrassment swept me.)
The feeling I had trying to regain control of my body until... I couldn't anymore; so I just let go. Yea, it was scary af at the time, but in this moment of reminiscence.. it painted a beautiful picture for me. For my journeys.. so I started writing about it.
And I wasn't sure if I was going to share this piece with the world or wait for the right moment to perform it, but either way... it's a really good piece. And you should read it. Maybe, one day you'll be able to hear these words cascade from my lips, but until then...
I've left this here for your reading pleasures and I hope you enjoy.
"The Art of Letting Go."
When I think about all the areas in life that keep me grounded… keep me creative… keep me true to myself, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude. It’s really quite paradoxical how hard it is to just be you. To not allow external factors and circumstances to drift you off into another current that completely gets you off YOUR wavelength.
So anxiety, right? Feeling overwhelmed. Not being sure what to do with yourself, so much so, that it keeps you from doing regular, every day things. Mental health is something that we as a community don't do a great job of talking about, but today I want to focus my attention on anxiety because it's been something I've been dealing with a lot. And I think it's important to discuss as we all have moments when we may feel lost in our own sauce and aren't sure what to do when the feeling comes over us...
I hit backspace. Getting rid of the text I’d planned to send to you at the thought that my name sitting on your notification bar would be an instant bother to what you have going on at that moment. I convinced myself that I didn’t really want anything anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if I never sent that text. I was only going to ask how you are… but the chance you wouldn’t respond felt immensely heavier than the possibility that you would respond since I just reached out to you a few weeks ago. I never thought it would matter after a year of getting close to you, but as schedules became tiresome and busyness became endless, it seems the distance has made itself familiar in the gap of what I call our companionship.
So, I LOVE Shannon Boodram.. aka @ShanBoody.
And at the end of July 2017, she made a video entitled, Instructions on How to Love Me. In this video, she presented a challenge that encouraged followers, like me, to write their own Instructions on #HowToLoveMe. This challenged stemmed from the understanding that every person we come in contact with is wired differently. We all require different things when it comes to love, affection, and happiness; but often times we treat our partners how we would want to be loved, rather than learning the ways in which they want and need to be loved. The idea brought about by this challenge is to help people understand us before deciding to love us.
Be sure to check out her video (above) if you haven't seen it yet.
The first time we kissed was….
experimental. But not in a bad way. No, I had just been wondering, for a longer time than I’d like to admit, what it felt like to be immersed in him. To be entangled in his embrace; simply caught up in that kind of moment with him. I didn’t know how or when or if it could happen, but I thought about it often. Especially those days, since his reappearing act when he jumped back on to the canvas of my life. I genuinely didn’t think he could ever be remotely interested in me. We were always cool… but that was really all I knew the nature of us to be. So when he showed up again, I didn’t know what would become. That alone made me intrigued in the opportunity for adventures. Although the happening was unanticipated, I had always been curious.